Growing Up

The journey of rediscovering your self worth and purpose of life can be very scary, but rewarding at times.
The agony, sadness, struggle that I have been through for past 3-4 months can be considered one of the hardest obstacle thus far.
I had come to realize that I had been escaping/avoiding the truth most of the times ever since I was little.
It's not a disadvantage for being kind to people, putting some great cause before yourself
Yet it's also understandable, or rather "OK" to be selfish and prioritize your own well being at times
I had been more of a practitioner of the first one, and it just never occur to me that I subconsciously "hate" or reject parties that practice the latter.
Everyone have their priorities in life, and you cannot control that. The feeling of losing control can be devastating at times.

I have a lot more to work on, before I am able to move on. It's definitely not an easy task.

I need to learn to LET GO. Letting go takes more courage and will power than it is to strive on for something that is not worth pursuing anymore. I need to accept the failures than I made and move on to better myself.

I need to learn to CONTROL MY EMOTIONS. I may appear to be subtle or "controlled" most of the time, but there's some instances/behaviors that just simply tick me off and make me lose control. This happen especially when I care on something or someone too much. The urge to gain control may affect me so much that in turn that important person is being hurt by my actions.
This is more of a compromise, holding things back, escaping issues than to address them

I need to learn to be willing and OPEN FOR CHANGES. Somethings cannot be changed, so the only thing I can do is to change myself to adapt.

These are the scary facts that I am able to gather thus far, and I still haven't fully learn these principles until I know them by heart.

This is fucking scary. But I want to dive deeper within. I want to change,

Be Happy

I am glad that you are happy again. I have seen the smile, the glance that I had never seen before. I had heard the tone that I have never heard before. Something that I was never able to give.
I am glad that you are happy again. He must have make you really happy.

I wanted to say all these. But it just can't come out. It's so hard to even look at it.
All I wanted was for you to let go of the past, and move on with happiness. It finally came. But why is it so painful. Why can't the tears stop falling. I should be happy, aren't I?

Focus and Character Building

Within a year, I had learnt a lot of things that I had never encountered before throughout my life

It's a regret that we were sacrificed for my sort of "enlightenment" to come about

You had the power to draw out all the negativities in me, and I am grateful that we met.. 

How love can change you.. To change, be it for good or bad, one must first be totally destroyed

I need a major overhaul, physically, mentally, spiritually

Physically... In progress 

Mentally... In slow progress

Spiritually... Or more to change of perspectives and values, I need that more than the other 2. Need a lot of pounding, deconstruct and reconstruct

At least I believe the 3rd can greatly influence the other 2 when I get there. With these only I will be able to stand up tall again

I lack diligence, I lack charisma, I lack courage

Let go of comfort zones, that need courage

Time to take some risks, and see how things go

Will I fail? Most likely I will again. I will get back up time and again

For What's Worth

I want to go home

I want to leave Singapore

This is killing me inside out

Memories are killing me inside out

Just a simple elevator at JE station, Hans restaurant, walk way back to Gombak house, Buona Vista station, one piece dress, Salt n Vinegar chips, Cheese Nachos, a corner of MRT train, Caesar salad, Viber.., M1 phone ringtone, Ban Mee.., herbal tea..

All these are the landmines.. All these are nightmares now

Awake in shock at night, tears flowing unknowingly

No more slow songs..

I have worked so hard, so much to get here

It's not worth it, I know that

I have plenty in front of me still

I have much more to achieve

Please let time pass faster 

Please let me be in peace

:')

Please tell me how.. how to adjust my feelings

Heart Broken

 "I can't talk to you anymore. I do not want him to misunderstand"The subtle way of putting it that you are not worth the risks of interaction, for I already have someone that worth way more than you in my life.
"We are friends" doesn't really ring anymore isn't it?

Distance
I will keep my distance. That's the promise I did, for being foolishly in love from the beginning.
I did the worst mistake of portraying myself of being vulnerable and desperate.
I foolishly think that if you shows that you really love someone, that person will really be kind back, to the least.
It's all gone. I understand that. Was there even any intention of starting it in first place? I am not sure anymore.
I want to move on.


Kindness
Mercy... can I have some of that at least? I am human.
Throughout the whole process, my intention was purely to see you happy.
Didn't expect my pride is the sacrifice through it.
I am glad that you are happy.
I just need a favor, some mercy towards all this.
It's killing me inside out, that he is more important for you
It's killing me inside out, you can openly shows the affection while I become the ultimate witness in dark.
It's killing me inside out, that I need to lay every moment, memory to grave with my bare hands

Memory
For me, everything was hurtfully vivid, true and clear.
It was true. Every bit of it. Our first selfie, my first time confessing, flying across Straits just for fear that I might lose you, strolling pass Orchard, waiting for bus in Far East Plaza, dating in our common location, able to tell my friends I had someone made me lunch, able to walk you home every now and then, able to listen to you every night before sleep, struggling through the process of calming you of your insecurities...


Regret
If asked would I repeat it again if allowed? I would still do it.
It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over.
I tell myself this time and again, and it never fails to hurt even more every time.
I had failed, defeated. I know what to change and improve. I regret that "we" are sacrificed in the process of me finding myself. 

Time and space, please show me some mercy. 
While I stand up and fight again.

Time to Grow Up

Took a hard lesson of my life

I screwed up almost allllll that one can screw up in that short period of time

I was lucky that it lasted even that long

I need to get over it. 

Fix myself before trying to fix things.

Why

All my life, I have only wanted to truly love a person

Why does it have to end in such a way..

I have never even thought of giving up

Did I ever bring happiness to you.. 

Did it actually happen... Was it even real in the first place...

Decided

It will be the hardest decision of my life so far

For whole my life, I have never faced such thing before

I am well aware of the implications, and I hope I am ready for it

The trust has been lost. The simple mercy or rather considerate from a friend, I can't expect of it anymore

Do not spout out words that you do not even meant for it

Who's to blame? No one or everyone I would say.

Basic difference in principle. I could not accept such a friend to even exist in my life 

No friend treat another in such a cruel way

I know I will be better off without this person in my life

If the ill intentions are true, karma will take its course

Am I cursing? Maybe I am

I am a human, not a pet. 

The End

Recovery

Depression, it is a very scary thing one could face
It's a downward spiral and only get worst as you let it
I need help. Period.
 http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Depression

Approach 1: Exercise <-- at="" here="" now="">
I will need to set a routine and make sure that I go to gym every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday
I need to take a walk everyday after work
I need to occupy myself and build my confidence.

Approach 2: Loved ones
I had a terrible lost.It is devastating and unfortunately the triggering point for my depression-like feel.
The person you thought will not, to the least, disregard you, had done it. It hurts, it hurts badly.
I still have my family. They are far away, but I know I can depend on them. It's just that sometimes/most of the time I feel shameful to approach them.
I don't want to be viewed as a failure, although I know deep down inside they are the ones that will always stand by me, no matter what happen.
I don't want my parents to worry about me. I am supposed to be independent
I should call my mom and dad, if things really take the worse course...

Approach 3: Friends
I have friends. I have great friends. I can always count on them to help lessen or break the downward spiral.
At least it's clear right now who are my true friends.
I don't need people that always eying for my downfall and giving me the extra push.
I can afford to rid of some hypocrites

Approach 4: Charity/Volunteer
It had been in my mind on and off now. I would like to try that sometimes.
There's really a liberating feel to help someone when they are in need.
I am not the extrovert type, but I figure "why not?" I need some more exposure anyway

So... fuck off depression!
I will defeat you, sooner or later.

Sorry

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