遗书??

Can't believe I will be flying again soon to the States
This time, it's purely for leisure and I can finally take my mind of works, life in Singapore and just enjoy the time in a foreign land, with some very familiar yet kinda distant faces(?)

It's been a very long time since I met 2 of my primary school old friends
Hopefully after this trip, I am able to return to be a new person again

The agony, lost of direction, pain that I had been holding inside, hopefully they all fade away so that I can move on again.

"Aeroplanes falling off the sky just like flies these days.." the one joke that keep linger around my mouth lately
By no means any disrespect to the victims, families & friends of the MH370, MH17 incidents, not forgetting the case in Taiwan and also Algeria. These incidents just keep remind you that life can be very unpredictable. And when the time is up for you, you have no choice but to accept it and leave your beloved ones behind

These incidents definitely didn't help much on providing a piece of mind for those flying to other continents. So.... adhering to the suggestion by AC, KY and Winson, I shall leave some words behind before leaving Singapore
Jinxing it? Don't think so... cause if it is to happen, it will happen. Nothing much I can do about it eh... except maybe hopefully i get to try sky diving before gg.com hahaha

Here it goes..

I am grateful that I was brought up in a complete nucleus family, being blessed with wonderful parents, 1 great brother and 1 cute sister. (shall not flatter the latter 2 too much haha)
I have 2 protective parents that actually take into consideration of our future up to the stage where we graduate and able to live independently. Not everyone have that "luxury" to enjoy these.
Being brought up by a teacher and a nurse, I believe they influenced me on the joy of giving to others. I know sometimes I do have some "crooked" thinking of "although I enjoy giving, please do not betray my kindness". This concept was recently challenged to an extent that I start to victimize myself when things doesn't go as expected. I need to really find a new paradigm to this, before the demons inside eat me up. Joy of giving, there's never anything wrong to it. Strength to face adversity and disappointment albeit all the efforts and goodwill, there's another level of mindset to it.

Back to topic.. I am lucky to have parents that actually very prudent (frugal?) on planning their finances which revolves around the 3 of us. Meng graduated from local Uni and is already working hard to build his "empire" of pharmacy in KL. I had the luxury of actually study in Singapore and have since been here for my 9-th year (!!) The thought of me spending 1/3 of my life in Singapore is really scary. Ling manage to fulfill her dream of studying abroad at Wales/UK and seems to be enjoying herself working there as a solicitor. Both of them have already found their other significant half and is enjoying their life.

I am grateful that I actually chosen to study in Singapore, and further being blessed with the scholarship going into 2nd semester of my year 1. I am blessed with may good friends and hall mates throughout my stay in King Edwards 7 hall. University will definitely be one of most unforgettable times of my life in Singapore. Given the chance, I would definitely want to experience that again. Only ifsss... How I wished I explore more and experiment more while I was in Uni.

After graduation, work had taken up majority of my daily life. And exposure to the true working environment, sometimes things can be very disheartening. Unlike school and uni days, how the "adult" works are really different. There are a great variety of people out there with different agenda, and it really scares me out. Trust is really a tough thing to handle in current situation, be it work or personal life. Learning to trust people again will be a long term struggle that I will be facing isn't it?

Nevertheless, I am still grateful to have met friends from different countries, races and backgrounds. Different upbringing, living conditions, culture and therefore perspective, often bring about conflicts. But once the conflicts can be overcome properly, it definitely bring about new perspectives to us.

I do have many regrets in my life, a burden that I have to carry as I move on. However, what I can tell myself is.. hey, I had tried my best under the circumstances and these are the outcome that I have to face and bear with. Easier said than done huh? Life goes on..

No matter how bad things turn out sometimes, I would still stand back up. Love unanswered? It's ok. There's still more people worthy of my love out there. And none of them beats the love I have for my parents and 2 wonderful siblings. They are my top most priority, even over myself, which I can sacrifice anything just for them.

So if this is the last blog post from me, just so to let the other's know.. All what I own now, they belong to my parents. Without them, there's no the me that is living right here, in this moment. Well my big screen TV and dumbell can give to my gym lunatic bro lol. And for my sis, i guess will be co-ownership of the current condominium that I have on hand (with my parents), since she have plan on coming to Singapore with her bf. Last time she was in Singapore, seems like she like the country quite much. It suits her well too.

Lastly, I am glad I have what I have right now. Keep calm and move on. *So cheesy.. >.<

Good bye

Action says it all eh

What I learnt from the whole process

Learn to love yourself more

No matter how much you love someone other than your family, do not expect that person to love you more than yourself

Giving that person the benefit of the doubt is just simply you lying to yourself just so that things remain the same. It actual fact it will not remain the same.

You see it coming, and you play to it

No one to blame but yourself

Deep down you know when u place your heart in her hand, she subconscious or consciously will not accept it. Looking for company and falling in love is a totally different thing.

It's not worth aiming to heal someone with the exchange of your broken heart. She do not need it anyway.

Words of appreciation means null no matter how is the outcome. These actions out of love? You will only receive pitiful gazes and generate tonnes of guilt, remorse, sadness and excruciating pain

Actions says it all huh?

Thanks for the precious lesson.

Just that actions can mean a lot of things. And the latest actions, they are quite clear cut. When it comes to you, you really mean nothing at all to that person. Just a pit stop, not even worth the mention.

Teh Teo Peng, don't do that to yourself anymore

You worth someone better.

Listen to your heart properly. You will know when it's crying out of happiness, or out of sorrow 

非诚忽扰

请不要尝试喜欢我

因为我一旦决定了要爱，就不会往回看

我只懂得横冲直闯

我只懂得毫不保留

Change = Commitment

To change, these are what I need to do:  

Weekly

• Monday: Work place improvement 
• Tuesday: Gym 
• Wednesday: Work place improvement 
• Thursday: Gym Friday: Work place improvement 
• Saturday/Sunday: Gym 
• Sunday/Saturday: Enjoy with friends 

Daily (Weekday)

• 7:00am: Wake-up + 500ml Water
• 7:05am: Push-ups x30 + Planking 8x20s
• 7:15am: Bath
• 7:25am: Appreciate what I have IN ME
• 7:30am: Out for work
• 8:20am: Digest Email
• 8:45am: Short Team Briefing
• 9:30am: My To-do-list
• 12:00noon: Lunch!
• 4:30pm: Review To-do-list
• 5:30pm: Self development works
• 7:30pm: Back home!
• 8:30pm: Bath and relax (manga, anime, Runningman ...), Learn fashion/DavidD, News
• 10:30pm: Self-reflect
• 11:00pm: Sleep

Daily (Weekday)

• 7:00am: Wake-up + 500ml Water
• 7:05am: Push-ups x30 + Planking 8x20s
• 7:15am: Bath
• 7:25am: Appreciate what I have IN ME
• 7:30am: Out for work
• 8:20am: Digest Email
• 8:45am: Short Team Briefing
• 9:30am: My To-do-list
• 12:00noon: Lunch!
• 4:30pm: Review To-do-list
• 5:30pm: OT or NO OT?
• 7:30pm: GYM
• 11:30pm: Self-reflect
• 12:00am: Sleep

 Need Improvement on:

• Appearance
• Discipline
• General Knowledge
• How to connect with people
• Leadership, Courage, Drive

为何

如果从来没在一起过，为何心会如此痛

如果从来没有牵过手，为何会如此想念

如果从来没有被爱过，为何会犹如失去一切

如果原本就无懈可击，为何会感觉一败涂地

如果从来没爱过，为何会痛不欲生

Patience

Apparently I have a long way to go.
She might have come to a point of not forgiving me, or feeling indifferent since it doesn't matter anymore anyway.
Accept the loss. Nothing can change that.

Patience. I need a lot of that.
Let go. Time will tell.
Focus is on ME. I need to improve myself, keep myself motivated and top the previous me everyday.
Do NOT Compare with others. Improve myself is the main path and the main goal.
I failed horribly, and this time there's no excuse for failure, nor there's any room for it.
It's for my future.

Patience. Deconstruct every end of the day, but revive every morning. I will fight on.

:')

I miss her. Every moment that was.

Heart, Gut and Brain

The heart is a great indicator of feeling towards someone or something

The heart can tell, when u are eager to connect to a person

The heart can tell, when u want to spend time with that person

But the heart, can be a sucker when facing with all the elements other that the pure feeling of love, happiness, sadness

It will guide u towards the entity that it likes, filtering off all those external elements 

The gut, is the catalyst for u to make the important leap

The heart and brain will fight over the conflicting items, and gut will come in to be the game changer, for u to decide to take or not to take the leap

At same time, the gut feel is the one for u to decide when to make the hardest decision. It can be the key element to decide ur happiness or despair

The brain, with all the knowledge and experience that it have, will provide you with all the rationality to make judgement. More often than not, this conflicts with what the heart feels. Some facts do not add up to convince the heart that it will work or it will fail

The heart believe in courage and kindness come from within 

The brain believe in facts, practicality and self well being

The clashes of the 2 are often where the internal conflicts arise

When that comes, believe ur gut feel

The primal instinct where in store of a human

Let the gut decide, brain to react and protect, and the unwavering heart to strive on

Zip It

I don't need any fucking pity from anyone

I tried my best and I was played out

Why should I be ashamed when I pour out my heart only to be trampled about

At least I am being true to myself all along

So stop the pity looks, it's disgusting beyond words

Let me be me, and just fuck off

The first time in my life, I experience hypocrites first handed and it disgusted me to the core

I have friends that care and understand me well enough, and don't need those that pretend to care enough to strike a blade into my heart

Growing Up

The journey of rediscovering your self worth and purpose of life can be very scary, but rewarding at times.
The agony, sadness, struggle that I have been through for past 3-4 months can be considered one of the hardest obstacle thus far.
I had come to realize that I had been escaping/avoiding the truth most of the times ever since I was little.
It's not a disadvantage for being kind to people, putting some great cause before yourself
Yet it's also understandable, or rather "OK" to be selfish and prioritize your own well being at times
I had been more of a practitioner of the first one, and it just never occur to me that I subconsciously "hate" or reject parties that practice the latter.
Everyone have their priorities in life, and you cannot control that. The feeling of losing control can be devastating at times.

I have a lot more to work on, before I am able to move on. It's definitely not an easy task.

I need to learn to LET GO. Letting go takes more courage and will power than it is to strive on for something that is not worth pursuing anymore. I need to accept the failures than I made and move on to better myself.

I need to learn to CONTROL MY EMOTIONS. I may appear to be subtle or "controlled" most of the time, but there's some instances/behaviors that just simply tick me off and make me lose control. This happen especially when I care on something or someone too much. The urge to gain control may affect me so much that in turn that important person is being hurt by my actions.
This is more of a compromise, holding things back, escaping issues than to address them

I need to learn to be willing and OPEN FOR CHANGES. Somethings cannot be changed, so the only thing I can do is to change myself to adapt.

These are the scary facts that I am able to gather thus far, and I still haven't fully learn these principles until I know them by heart.

This is fucking scary. But I want to dive deeper within. I want to change,

Be Happy

I am glad that you are happy again. I have seen the smile, the glance that I had never seen before. I had heard the tone that I have never heard before. Something that I was never able to give.
I am glad that you are happy again. He must have make you really happy.

I wanted to say all these. But it just can't come out. It's so hard to even look at it.
All I wanted was for you to let go of the past, and move on with happiness. It finally came. But why is it so painful. Why can't the tears stop falling. I should be happy, aren't I?

Focus and Character Building

Within a year, I had learnt a lot of things that I had never encountered before throughout my life

It's a regret that we were sacrificed for my sort of "enlightenment" to come about

You had the power to draw out all the negativities in me, and I am grateful that we met.. 

How love can change you.. To change, be it for good or bad, one must first be totally destroyed

I need a major overhaul, physically, mentally, spiritually

Physically... In progress 

Mentally... In slow progress

Spiritually... Or more to change of perspectives and values, I need that more than the other 2. Need a lot of pounding, deconstruct and reconstruct

At least I believe the 3rd can greatly influence the other 2 when I get there. With these only I will be able to stand up tall again

I lack diligence, I lack charisma, I lack courage

Let go of comfort zones, that need courage

Time to take some risks, and see how things go

Will I fail? Most likely I will again. I will get back up time and again

For What's Worth

I want to go home

I want to leave Singapore

This is killing me inside out

Memories are killing me inside out

Just a simple elevator at JE station, Hans restaurant, walk way back to Gombak house, Buona Vista station, one piece dress, Salt n Vinegar chips, Cheese Nachos, a corner of MRT train, Caesar salad, Viber.., M1 phone ringtone, Ban Mee.., herbal tea..

All these are the landmines.. All these are nightmares now

Awake in shock at night, tears flowing unknowingly

No more slow songs..

I have worked so hard, so much to get here

It's not worth it, I know that

I have plenty in front of me still

I have much more to achieve

Please let time pass faster 

Please let me be in peace

:')

Please tell me how.. how to adjust my feelings

Heart Broken

 "I can't talk to you anymore. I do not want him to misunderstand"The subtle way of putting it that you are not worth the risks of interaction, for I already have someone that worth way more than you in my life.
"We are friends" doesn't really ring anymore isn't it?

Distance
I will keep my distance. That's the promise I did, for being foolishly in love from the beginning.
I did the worst mistake of portraying myself of being vulnerable and desperate.
I foolishly think that if you shows that you really love someone, that person will really be kind back, to the least.
It's all gone. I understand that. Was there even any intention of starting it in first place? I am not sure anymore.
I want to move on.


Kindness
Mercy... can I have some of that at least? I am human.
Throughout the whole process, my intention was purely to see you happy.
Didn't expect my pride is the sacrifice through it.
I am glad that you are happy.
I just need a favor, some mercy towards all this.
It's killing me inside out, that he is more important for you
It's killing me inside out, you can openly shows the affection while I become the ultimate witness in dark.
It's killing me inside out, that I need to lay every moment, memory to grave with my bare hands

Memory
For me, everything was hurtfully vivid, true and clear.
It was true. Every bit of it. Our first selfie, my first time confessing, flying across Straits just for fear that I might lose you, strolling pass Orchard, waiting for bus in Far East Plaza, dating in our common location, able to tell my friends I had someone made me lunch, able to walk you home every now and then, able to listen to you every night before sleep, struggling through the process of calming you of your insecurities...


Regret
If asked would I repeat it again if allowed? I would still do it.
It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over.
I tell myself this time and again, and it never fails to hurt even more every time.
I had failed, defeated. I know what to change and improve. I regret that "we" are sacrificed in the process of me finding myself. 

Time and space, please show me some mercy. 
While I stand up and fight again.

Time to Grow Up

Took a hard lesson of my life

I screwed up almost allllll that one can screw up in that short period of time

I was lucky that it lasted even that long

I need to get over it. 

Fix myself before trying to fix things.

Why

All my life, I have only wanted to truly love a person

Why does it have to end in such a way..

I have never even thought of giving up

Did I ever bring happiness to you.. 

Did it actually happen... Was it even real in the first place...

Decided

It will be the hardest decision of my life so far

For whole my life, I have never faced such thing before

I am well aware of the implications, and I hope I am ready for it

The trust has been lost. The simple mercy or rather considerate from a friend, I can't expect of it anymore

Do not spout out words that you do not even meant for it

Who's to blame? No one or everyone I would say.

Basic difference in principle. I could not accept such a friend to even exist in my life 

No friend treat another in such a cruel way

I know I will be better off without this person in my life

If the ill intentions are true, karma will take its course

Am I cursing? Maybe I am

I am a human, not a pet. 

The End

Recovery

Depression, it is a very scary thing one could face
It's a downward spiral and only get worst as you let it
I need help. Period.
 http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Depression

Approach 1: Exercise <-- at="" here="" now="">
I will need to set a routine and make sure that I go to gym every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday
I need to take a walk everyday after work
I need to occupy myself and build my confidence.

Approach 2: Loved ones
I had a terrible lost.It is devastating and unfortunately the triggering point for my depression-like feel.
The person you thought will not, to the least, disregard you, had done it. It hurts, it hurts badly.
I still have my family. They are far away, but I know I can depend on them. It's just that sometimes/most of the time I feel shameful to approach them.
I don't want to be viewed as a failure, although I know deep down inside they are the ones that will always stand by me, no matter what happen.
I don't want my parents to worry about me. I am supposed to be independent
I should call my mom and dad, if things really take the worse course...

Approach 3: Friends
I have friends. I have great friends. I can always count on them to help lessen or break the downward spiral.
At least it's clear right now who are my true friends.
I don't need people that always eying for my downfall and giving me the extra push.
I can afford to rid of some hypocrites

Approach 4: Charity/Volunteer
It had been in my mind on and off now. I would like to try that sometimes.
There's really a liberating feel to help someone when they are in need.
I am not the extrovert type, but I figure "why not?" I need some more exposure anyway

So... fuck off depression!
I will defeat you, sooner or later.

Sorry

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